Week in Review: 1/19-1/26

Debt Reduction Goal: So I put an extra $900 towards my student loan – bringing the total spent on loans for the month so far to $1249.86. I also plan to transfer $1500 that I had sitting around in a forgotten about savings account so that I can put that towards my student loan. Hopefully that’ will happen in time for the next week in review.

Creating Music: There have been a series of unfortunate events that have conspired against me. 1. A snowstorm that has stuck me at work for approximately 3 days. 2. Someone close to me undergoing surgery and requiring (or me wanting to give) my presence at their bedside. Still managed to create a beat with some feedback that a friend gave me. My friend pointed out something that I had kind of noticed – that some of my recent music sounded similar – mostly b/c the groove bed that they laid on (drums) were kind of getting the short end of the stick. I usually dont get the oppurtunity to spend as much time as I would like and often kind of give each beat the best of my ability for 1-2 hours. Then I leave them. However, the best music requires edit after edit after rearrangement and tons of restructuring, retrofitting, etc. I think going forward I will focus not only on putting together a cohesive beat but after february – focus on spending 2 sessions per beat instead of the one. I think now I’m just focused on making music consistently and learning to express myself easily (while fighting the resistance).

Travel: Spoke with my cousin about a possible trip to Martinique – for some reason this feels like the right first trip to take. Its to a french-speaking carribean island. I know right! – Which inspires me to refocus on my french practice..which to be honest has been getting little to no attention in the last 2 weeks. My cousin has friends down there and I will be putting in my request for PTO right after I finish this post.

Being Brave: The hardest thing on the list- and while I did semi-pull the trigger on something that had scared be for a long time – I also realized that It wasn’t worth it to me to fight for it in the way I originally planned. This I’ll continue to think on and have a definitive objective for the month (and complete it!) before the end of the month.

Forgiving oneself: A primer

This is a follow up to the love you deserve post. Only feelings that deserved to die were murdered during the making of this post.

So. For some of us during this thing called life, we will make decisions we regret. We will maybe hurt people we didn’t mean to. We may do things that a later version of ourselves (i.e. You 2.0) may look back upon in wonderment, awe, and dismay. These mistakes, whether big or small, may grow muscles and lungs, and take on a life of their own. They may use their strength and voice to later accuse us of being something less than who we really are. People from our past may agree with these loud, muscle bound mistakes. In fact, there may be a general consensus as to who you are to a great many people.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, these mistakes, and the people who saw them born cannot know who you are today. They may have missed your “damascus road” moment. They may not have been present when you moved away from your old self. They may not have seen you peel off your old self like  a snake skin. They may have missed the hours, days, and years that you slaved away at becoming someone unrecognizable to them. Your now different inside. They can’t see the brand new skin on your heart. Or the scars from the operation that replaced your thought patterns.

So you can’t really blame these people. You can’t be mad at them. For not having X-ray emotional vision.

But you can’t believe them. You have to decide they’re liars. Not on purpose. But because they don’t know any better.

You have to decide to forgive yourself. You have to decide to believe what someone else says about you. Someone whose opinion is never wrong.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14

Fly.

OFO

An Un-kept Promise.

I’ve been trying to keep a promise to God that I made a while back.

My Promise <– I made this promise probably close to about a year ago..unfortunately I stumbled…consistently.. for about a year until I came to a place where I finally decided that I should, could, and would strive to keep my promise. So if I've been a little distant ..i'm working on changing myself to be more respectful, a better honorer of women, and most importantly a Whole Man. Not the world's definition of a man..so I expect most to not understand. Which is Ok. As long as I love what I see in the mirror.

OFO.

The Decision.

The path less traveled by..

I’ve decided to take about a year away from the opposite sex. Yep, those blindingly beautiful, smart, supportive creatures that have no Y chromosomes. The creatures who raise our children, whose kisses can brighten the darkest of days, whose support keep our personal trade centers standing even after life throws 757’s at us.
Why? Why give up the company of these ephemeral creatures?
..
Because I’m not ready for them. At least not in the way that I think I should be. I going to be honest: for the latter part of my dating life – I have probably not been the guy you want your daughter to date. Not to say that I’ve been just slapping girls with baby powder and making them address me as Big Poppa – but honestly – I really had no intentions of wife’ing anyone. Sorry. Just wasn’t really in my plans. I’d find some reason to explain my sudden distance: history, Too much going on in my personal/educational/business life, fear of commitment, etc.
The truth is – all and none of these. My mindframe was just not/is not right for building the type of relationship that would be required to make a long term relationship a possibility.
SO.
I decided to do something about it.
I decided to do something different and hope that consequently I’d get something different as a result; because honestly – I do eventually want to have someone that I can do life with and trust wholeheartedly. I would like to take care of a woman and see that I support her dreams and hold her up when she’s weak. I would also like to have someone I can lean on when I feel less than stellar. Someone who won’t mind throwing some cream of mushroom soup on the stove when I’ve got a bad case of the flu. Who wouldn’t?
And if they happen to look like Beyonce and cook like Gladys Knight… well, shucks – I wont be mad.

But I had to take a long look at myself and realize that I got some issues and some unrealized dreams that need my full attention and these foray’s into relationship land aren’t getting me to where I want to go.
*Raises Champagne glass* So here’s to me and my year or so – May I come out a stronger, better, wiser, and more caring Man. Going to shoot for the full six-pack as well. Why not?

Its a Celebration! So...why am I crying?