Context: Right now I’m on rotation – which means I live at all types of housing designed for health professional students which can be really nice or really..not nice. Anyway at my current residence – I live semi-close to the back door, which is the main door for all traffic into and out of the house. This is usually is not a problem. Unless the traffic is non-human.
THE SITUATION: The other night a female housemate called me into her room – which is the only room closer to the door than my room is. So I go in there and lo and behold she has a roach that she wants me to kill. So I do my manly thing stifling the screams that want to bubble up – and take multiple swings at the roach – eventually having to move half the furniture in the room in order to deliver the death blow to this roach – which had the reflexes and strength/endurance of Lebron James.
I leave my housemates room, feeling good about taking care of a problem for her and confident in my ability to not scream while crushing roaches. (I hate roaches…and rats..like really)
Next night – I’ve just awoke from a great nap, where my dreams were full of cotton, gummy bears, fabulously beautiful and wealthy women who wanted to be my wife – you know, good things. I put my feet on the ground of my floor – roll my shoulders back, survey my kingdom and head to the bathroom to take care of my morning business.
In my mind – all is right with the world! In my head I’m feeling like BIG MEECH…LARRY HOOVER…Woooooh *Rick Ross Voice*.
Midstream – while standing over the toilet – I look to the left – where my toiletry bag hangs. Inside my toiletry bag is of course – toiletries: Toothpaste, facial products, those little individual flossers, contact solution – the basics. What caught my eye at first, was the huge wet roach- wriggling its antennae like a insect middle finger right at me while sitting on top of the hook that held my toiletry bag. This made me curse ..$h**!! I was going to yell..but I couldn’t really finish the curse word before my eyes landed on his ride-or-die buddy who was sitting still as a buddhist monk right ON TOP of the Bristles of my toothbrush!!!!
Now..by no means am I pussy. But I screamed. Like a straight bit#%.
Like this guy —>
I screamed so loud – I startled the gangsta-@ss roach that was sitting on top of the bag and he moved a step or two. Anyway – soon after I finished with the toilet, I regained my composure and killed both of those roaches. I swear before I killed the second one – I heard him whisper “This ain’t over!”
Mighta been just stressed.
But the message was received – It’s real out here. And its On.
P.s: I threw out both the toothbrushes in my toiletry bag.
The other day I got to thinking about life. And how to take over the world or at least myself and I started to think about
More specifically – what I fear and how I try to avoid these things. I know that it would be be helpful for me to just tackle my fears and really conquer them. Over and over if necessary.
Then my mind drifted to the last time that I felt fear: During the academic portion of pharmacy school – I was trying to accomplish this big hairy audacious goal that really meant alot to me. I was afraid because I was required to really put myself out there and risk being made a fool of/ failing. And guess what – I did fail. Unfortunately – unlike all the self-help books that I’ve read since then – I didn’t keep pounding away at my goal – I kind of placed my goal on the corner of my desk and let life’s clutter kind of cover it. Every once in a while my goal would knock on the back door of my conscious and whisper “What about me? What about us?” – Of course I wouldn’t slam the door on my goal – I’d just ease it shut promising that “I’d get around to him; I’d attack him full force once I figured out a way to get him done but at the moment school just had all my attention so ..He could understand that right?”
Anyway – here we are two years later and that goal is still on my mental desk; Taking up the same amount of space but seemingly getting heavier. I try to ignore it or convince myself that the time for that goal is past – but no..its still here.
and it helped motivate me but also made me realize that the first and last thing that has to change in order for me to effect permanent change is MY MIND.
So – I’ll be trying to feed the hunger deep inside, put on my 4-finger ring, get ready for the hand-to-hand combat that we call life – and find a way to make sure that my mind doesn’t trapped in a complacent state of mind.
I’ve decided to take about a year away from the opposite sex. Yep, those blindingly beautiful, smart, supportive creatures that have no Y chromosomes. The creatures who raise our children, whose kisses can brighten the darkest of days, whose support keep our personal trade centers standing even after life throws 757’s at us.
Why? Why give up the company of these ephemeral creatures?
Because I’m not ready for them. At least not in the way that I think I should be. I going to be honest: for the latter part of my dating life – I have probably not been the guy you want your daughter to date. Not to say that I’ve been just slapping girls with baby powder and making them address me as Big Poppa – but honestly – I really had no intentions of wife’ing anyone. Sorry. Just wasn’t really in my plans. I’d find some reason to explain my sudden distance: history, Too much going on in my personal/educational/business life, fear of commitment, etc.
The truth is – all and none of these. My mindframe was just not/is not right for building the type of relationship that would be required to make a long term relationship a possibility.
I decided to do something about it.
I decided to do something different and hope that consequently I’d get something different as a result; because honestly – I do eventually want to have someone that I can do life with and trust wholeheartedly. I would like to take care of a woman and see that I support her dreams and hold her up when she’s weak. I would also like to have someone I can lean on when I feel less than stellar. Someone who won’t mind throwing some cream of mushroom soup on the stove when I’ve got a bad case of the flu. Who wouldn’t? And if they happen to look like Beyonce and cook like Gladys Knight… well, shucks – I wont be mad.
But I had to take a long look at myself and realize that I got some issues and some unrealized dreams that need my full attention and these foray’s into relationship land aren’t getting me to where I want to go.
*Raises Champagne glass* So here’s to me and my year or so – May I come out a stronger, better, wiser, and more caring Man. Going to shoot for the full six-pack as well. Why not?
So. “A needle pulling thread”
One of my friends told me not too long that if someone really wanted to get an education then the Internet would have the resources that you would need to learn whatever you need.
He designed his own curriculum and proceeded to start to teach himself another language and also took some entrepreneur classes. So I Swagg-jacked and searched for some resources for the topics I was interested in..Found Em!
“I Thank God for everyday but I especially thank God for Friday” – Lady outside the Outpatient Clinic
Agreed. Man, today has been an absolutely wonderful day – Couple things that have made it amazing.
1. Working with the ill-advantaged – makes life gratefulness-inducing. Seeing and being able to help people who need help – is really fulfilling. Really makes this particular rotation a lot more fun than any of the other ones. Especially since it’s been coupled with insights from some books I’m reading – especially “playing hide and seek – a non-churchgoer’s guide to finding God”.
2. Deciding to take this year off from the opposite sex has really has been a Godsend – being able to take time and not spend it or money on females – has allowed me time to note area’s of weakness and come up with ways to improve em: Krav magna, changing my own oil, time to study disease states, studying french.
3. One of the most important benefits is the time to READ. And not just for fun – there have already been books that have shifted the way I look at the world and one that I believe will change my life. Recomendations if your looking: Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin
4. Family. Friends. Good People. I.e. Lauryn, Ashley, K.P., C.P. etc.
I’m excited about what else this year by myself holds – Hopefully more self-discovery.
Insha’allah. Lord Willing. Si Mon Dieu faire plaisir.
Today – I got the opportunity to just chill and talk with my roommates. It really made me appreciate people who are open to just share conversation/soul/viewpoints/knowledge. The topics ranged from treatment of sinusitis and antimicrobial stewardship to the double rainbow video.
Couple thoughts I had:
1. Imperialism is a muthafu*ka. In America this translates = White is Right. Or Beautiful.
2. I’m glad I’m taking this year off – I need it … What year you ask..i’m working on that post.
3. Glad I’m young – because I got a LOT to learn. Life experience < School Experience.
4. Confidence is Key.
I also downloaded Wale's new mixtape: More about Nothing.
So yea I'm excited and happy about today.