Control.

One of the recurring themes of my life has been remembering to let go.

I’m a planner by nurture. A childhood where so much was out of my control + learning that I could have an effect on outcomes by being assertive means I like to be able to be in control a majority of the time.

This is great for workplace goals; terrible for deep lasting relationships.

A boon for financial planning; Not so useful when you’re trying to learn to trust God and create abundance.

There is this paradox in life where the primary skills for entry into the game require control and careful planning but in order to really flourish you must practice things that are almost diametrically opposed.

I see this most clearly in romantic relationships.

In order to attract a partner you must present well – be well groomed, have social capital and understand social norms, have a job that promises financial stability, etc. Most of these skills require discipline, planning, long-term focus, and exercising control.

However, In order to be able to grow into a good partner/spouse – you must also be able to vulnerable, trust your person to be willing to make decisions that have your best interest, in mind, learn how be hurt and forgive, and be willing to take large leaps of faith, etc.

Most of the latter skills seem to me to be somewhat in opposition to the primary skills. Maybe this is the way that life is set up to ensure that we are constantly growing.

Regardless, I wrote today.

Fly or fall.

OFO

 

 

Consistent.

I turn 35 this year.

The past 34 years have been mostly- blessed. Statistically and qualitatively I’d say I’ve probably won the lottery in at least a couple different realms. However, one thing that I’ve never been really great at – and possibly as a consequence one reason I’ve never been really GREAT is consistency. As the seconds gather behind me, I can’t help but notice  the importance of perseverance, grit, and stick-to-it-ness.

I’m sure I can’t renovate my whole life in 30 days. But I’m going to try to start with one habit that hopefully will spread to other areas of my life.

I’m going to try to be consistent in writing.

I enjoy writing.

I enjoy thinking and looking for new ways to look at the world and how I’m moving through it.

I know I need to improve my consistency. I’m hoping this will be the vehicle. My posts may not make sense, they may be random, and repetitive, but I’m hoping they will teach me and keep me accountable as I journey toward a better self.

Hopefully this bleed into ..my fitness, my finances, and my relationships.

For now, these words will have to do.

OFO

What not to forget.

“It is better to spend your time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die and it is a good thing to think about it while there is still time.” – Ecclesiastes 7:2

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When will you take your last breath?

Is it something you like to think you’ll deal with much, much, later?

I know I do.

Death itself isn’t the problem. I imagine that death as an event is probably less bothersome than a visit to the dentist in 8 out of 10 cases. What concerns me is all of the choices that lead up until the moment our hearts stop beating.

I wonder if I’m making choices with death in mind. If I recognized how omnipresent the end is, I’d probably attack life a bit differently.

What if we could see death?

What if when we were born, we could only see death as a blip on the horizon. A dark spot beside  sunsets that could just as easily have been a trick of the retina. What if by the time we were middle age we could only just make out the outline of a figure in a bowler hat and a pocket watch in the far distance. As the years rolled by the figure got closer but we really couldn’t tell if he or she was fat or slim, tall or short, walking or just standing still.

If every evening we could look at the horizon and see death, lay down and wake up the following morning, glance out the ice-frosted window, and notice that death must have taken just a step closer to us while we slept.

What if by the time we were in our seventies we could make out the brand of the pocket watch and from time to time could see death leaning towards us a drunken sailor at port.

What if after years of growing comfortable with, and ignoring death we were shocked that somehow, while we weren’t paying attention, death had spent the last couple years in our homes, moving from the porch, to the living room, to the guest bathroom, and now seemed to making himself quite comfortable in the chair across from our bed.

Too tired to do much of anything, we watch him somberly as he stands up, reaching and stretching slowly, looking at his antique pocket watch critically and taking one step to the head of the bed. He’d lean over us and we’d feel his humid breath on our cheek as he breathed into our ear “It’s time.”

But we don’t.

Because, (1) that would be creepy.

And (2), that would drastically change the way  we lived day-to-day.

That’s the reality, however.

I wonder what you would change if you started being able to see death.

-OFO