For my eyes only.

With this house, God has really made it clear that it was Him pulling the strings..just so there was no confusion that I could have made this happen on my own.

1. The correction in rate ..that happened randomly but also RIGHT on time after there was a last minute credit pull. This credit pull put me out of the range by like 0.09..but still would have resulted in a DENIAL on the loan for the house. The loans only increased by like 12 dollars a year. smh. Crazy coincidental right?

2. The literally the sellers agent said – NO, unfortunately they will not extend any further past the 30th. Fannie Mae sticks to those deadlines. Then they turned right around and granted the agent had already called me with the bad news, then turned around just a-puzzled. lol. I laughed b/c I knew who was in control.

3. The house coming on the market at the moment it did and me being able to put in under contract. The original email to my brother and sisters telling I feel like the house was mine, even though the next day it was put under contract by some other people. The 401k loan. The contractor (almost) fiasco ..which I document on groupie. lmao.

I’m just focused on a couple things going forward: 1. God’s will be done. 2. That I learn to follow him and leave the details to Him, trusting him to complete the things He placed in my heart. 3. That I prioritize Him over material things.

Forgiving oneself: A primer

This is a follow up to the love you deserve post. Only feelings that deserved to die were murdered during the making of this post.

So. For some of us during this thing called life, we will make decisions we regret. We will maybe hurt people we didn’t mean to. We may do things that a later version of ourselves (i.e. You 2.0) may look back upon in wonderment, awe, and dismay. These mistakes, whether big or small, may grow muscles and lungs, and take on a life of their own. They may use their strength and voice to later accuse us of being something less than who we really are. People from our past may agree with these loud, muscle bound mistakes. In fact, there may be a general consensus as to who you are to a great many people.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, these mistakes, and the people who saw them born cannot know who you are today. They may have missed your “damascus road” moment. They may not have been present when you moved away from your old self. They may not have seen you peel off your old self like  a snake skin. They may have missed the hours, days, and years that you slaved away at becoming someone unrecognizable to them. Your now different inside. They can’t see the brand new skin on your heart. Or the scars from the operation that replaced your thought patterns.

So you can’t really blame these people. You can’t be mad at them. For not having X-ray emotional vision.

But you can’t believe them. You have to decide they’re liars. Not on purpose. But because they don’t know any better.

You have to decide to forgive yourself. You have to decide to believe what someone else says about you. Someone whose opinion is never wrong.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14



First Comes Love..

Well Damn.

Committment, Marriage, & Me. Most times I feel like the third wheel..which is to say in a very unclear way: I’m afraid of commitment. “So?” you ask, smugly puffing your sherlock holmes pipe, “What young man isn’t?” ..hmm, well let me clarify.

I want to get married. I want kids.

“So. what’s the problem?” As you puff smoke circles into the air.

I’m not 100% certain. I think it has alot to do with:

1. Unrealistic expectations (Inner dialogue: My wife should have the body of Beyonce, the intellect of a Jr. NASA scientist, and the emotional warmth of patti labelle)

2. Mixed up views of what a a marriage meant: I thought being married meant a lifetime redbox movie/cutty buddy. Having someone to live happily ever after with. A person forged by the hand of God sooo perfect that I’d be hard pressed to find a flaw on her worst day. Someone whose needs blended perfectly with my moods so that I’d never have to choose between watching the game and “quality time”

Plus I know me. I tend to fall for personalities..and hard. I’m 100% committed when i’m in it.

But since i’m such a good learner. And i’ve had my heart broken in the past. Or to be honest..had a heart that got broken, cremated, then sprinkled in the hobo staircases near libraries, I have a bad habit of pulling the eject button when people get too close. Disappearing. Being flaky. Taking a year away from women *shakes head* (Nah that was actually a good idea). Sometimes I feel like I need to sit down with the telephone cord that is my intentions and untangle everything.

All this. Kinda puts me at  a decreased chance of getting married.

Recently saw this video:

Which totally changed the way that I viewed marriage. Immediately after viewing it, I realized that I had viewed marriage from a totally selfish viewpoint. I viewed it as finding a woman who I was attracted to, who could meet my needs, keep me entertained, give me kids, etc.. I mean I knew that sacrifice would be required, but I don’t think I really gave a thought to just how much would be required until I saw this video.

Till death do we part. That’s a big promise.