The last weeks have been some of the best weeks of my life.
Nothing epic happened. Nothing epic that you could point to.
There was no lottery ticket. There were no inheritance. Not even a $20 bill in an old pair of jeans.
No beautiful girl… Well, beautiful girls, but none that confessed their undying love for me.
Nothing epic happened externally, but there was a spring cleaning in my mind. A reorganization of my mental closet, if you will.
What did change was the realization that my life was my responsibility. Totally my responsibility. Everything.
The way people treated me was my responsibility. The negativity that I allowed into my life was totally my responsibility. The successes that I am proud of, and the failures that still twinge. I came to terms with them. I accepted myself. Warts, bad habits, pain, weaknesses, fears, and strength.
I got free. Free even with Sallie Mae shaking her chain. Even with the familial responsibilities that I have to face when I get up from this computer. Free. in spite of, not because of anything.
I took a honest look at the issues facing me, and I started to work on changing them.
This realization changed some things. And by some things, I mean everything. In the midst of this realization I threw off a lot of the definitions and paradigms that I used to define myself. This was helpful.
However, now I’m on the other side of this realization and trying to figure out if I threw out the baby with the bathwater. I’m wondering if there are some restrictions I should keep. Wondering what guidelines protected me and which hindered me. Trying to look at the old pieces of myself that I threw off and figure out what piecesI had on for warmth and which I was wearing to hide in.
I’m in the midst of working some things. Pardon my progress.