2018. How fast it went.

I’m sitting here in my warm room, in sweat pants, after a shift at the hospital and just thinking about the future.

Thinking about the future is one of my favorite past times. Which can be a  bit of a problem. Thinking, and hoping, and wishing, and planning the future can often be a replacement for actually taking action. I’m 34 this year. Do all of these sentences have something to do with each other? I’m not certain.

In certain areas of my life, I feel behind the curve. I’ve accomplished a good bit but sometimes I wonder if I’ve really done all that I could’ve. Or if more specifically, if I’m doing all I could in the right direction.

and this..to be honest..is the theme of most of this blog. One giant, where am I?

I wonder If I’m building anything that will last the test of time. I wonder if I’ve spent too much time enjoying life and not enough working on problems or issues that mean something to me. I wonder if I have enough faith, or if I’m too afraid of risk. I wonder if I’m fulfilling my potential?

All these questions can be a slippery slope that leads from happiness to comparison to dissatisfaction, when in reality, I’m doing just fine. But when you have a culture of superlative success to compare yourself to, its easy to grow dissatisfied.

I don’t know what the answer is.

• Is it.. removing all media/distractions from my life?
• Is it ..doubling down and grinding myself into oblivion while trying to  find meaning in my work?
• Is it being present?
• Is it working less and experiencing more?
• Am I thinking too much, not enough, or incorrectly?

Sigh.

Anyway, on the bright side of it all, 2018 has been an amazing year.

• I’ve met a woman that I think I can see a future with
• I’ve stopped (or significantly slowed) my over-saving and moved some of that money into the present to make concrete changes to my day to day life that have made me much more happy.

• Traveled a good bit and made some good memories with family and friends

And I guess the question, I keep coming to, as if my life is a double rainbow, is what does it all mean?

How can I find greater purpose?

How can I hear from God more?

How much saving is prudent? How much is greed?

How do I not get trapped by the day to day grind?

How do I keep dreams alive as responsibilities mount?

Sigh. So many questions.

Fly or Fall. Even if it means you gotta spend some time looking deep in the mirror.

-OFO