For me, there is no feeling worse than stagnation.

Feeling like I’m not making any progress; like everything i’m doing is ineffective or even worse a waste of time.

Oftentimes when I get into spaces like this, I’m not exactly sure how to shake myself loose. The uncertainty seems to soak down into my pores. My speech becomes halting. My bellowed greetings become mumbled and smiles seem tentative. I start to feel like people can see the insecurities in the furrow of my brow.

In times like these I’m tempted toward extremism. Pushing myself to the limit to see if the pain will awaken me or numbing myself with TV marathons to see if extreme slumber and inactivity will goad me towards normalcy.

Meanwhile all the while I thrash about searching for something to hold on to that will give me something stable to stand upon. Something that will ignite my ambition and refuel my fire.

Usually this is the part of the essay where I reference Jesus. Similarly in my life I try to reference Jesus during these times. Poring over scriptures, listening to gospel, talking to him about my fears.

Something just occurred to me.

I’m on this fitness journey right? One thing I’ve noticed is that the results of the actions don’t show up at the same time as the action. This is especially the case with food. The past couple of days I ate a lot of gummi bears. Now, nothing really changed in the 30 minutes after I ate except for any hunger I might have had lessened. As a result I ate a couple more gummi bears- enjoying the burst of flavor and the consistency of the fruity candy.

Three days later however, I feel the effects in the heaviness of my body when I try to run at previous paces. The seeds I planted 36 hours ago finally grew their fruit.

Maybe the seeds of these feelings of ineffectiveness were planted many days to weeks ago?

What are the areas where I’m not being obedient to God, and to my best self?

How can I fix those areas of unfaithfulness?

I’ll investigate and report back.

Fly or fall,

OFO