I was at work. Dark had just tumbled over the world. A grey haired, loam-skinned, purposed-filled, older woman approached the counter. A younger, but older gentleman trailed behind her. Neither was in the 1%. Or the 75%. Smile lines creased the older woman’s face and her hands spoke of honest work. With an energy that spoke of deep reservoirs probably carved by prayer and summers watching over the children that played in the street, she requested a blood pressure check for her son.

Her son. About 40. Handsome face that bore scars that seemed out of place. A body that hinted at weight lost but skin that still missed it. Ankles that stretched the socks. An unkempt blank look that whispered of some mental shortcomings.  He removed a couple layers in order for me to access his arm. The faded sweatshirt cutoff at the elbows. The checkered shirt that looked like it had been used for lawn work, then transitioned into a wardrobe favorite. He didn’t say much. Nothing actually. I would ask questions about his health history and he would look expectantly at his mother and she would provide the answers smoothly – as if they had practiced this on many an occasion.

The blood pressures returned high. A worried look crossed his mother’s face. The look disappeared then returned like a child who won’t stay outside. Soft words were spoken, questions were asked, then answered; recommendations were made. Nerves were smoothed and a calm settled over us.

The climate of the whole conversation was mother’s concern. Income brackets be damned – A good mother is a good mother; and it humbled me to be able to see love in action.

Thank you moms.

OFO

What a year. From March to September, the days have grown wings and flown past. A side effect of getting older I guess. What a year so far. Many Ups, just as many Downs, and all the lessons that go with it. Reached my 30th year and I feel like I’ve acquired the dark wisdom that comes along with it. lol. 

Nah, Its been an interesting year so far. Fell in love. Lost that love. Learned alot about myself (not all of it good). Took someone to court. Made it out of court with some bruises but not broken. Went to San francisco and Vegas to celebrate the passing of my born-day. Rode an emotional roller-coaster that is not quite out of commission and probably still has some twists and turns left in it. 

One thing that I did want to memorialize was a thought that has been with me all this week. Its been stimulated by a sermon series by Andy Stanley “in the meantime” (http://northpoint.org/messages/in-the-meantime/the-new-normal/). This sermon series seemed to hit me right at a particular juncture of my life where I needed it. A bible verse that I came across in my daily readings seems to agree with the sentiment expressed in the sermon series. Curious? Thought you might be. First the verses: 

“Then Isaiah spoke to Hezekiah, ‘Listen to what God has to say about this: The day is coming when everything you own and everything your ancestors have passed down to you, right down to the last cup and saucer, will be cleaned out of here – plundered and packed off to Babylon…Worse yet, your sons, the progeny of sons you’ve begotten, will end up as eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.’ Hezekiah said to Isaiah, ‘If God says it, it must be good.’ But he was thinking to himself, ‘It wont happen during my lifetime – i’ll enjoy peace and security as long as I live.” 

When I first read this, Hezekiah’s response was a little off to me. Ok. Alot off. I still puzzle over the latter part of his response. lol. But the first part is what was rolling around in my head all week. “If God says it, it must be good.”  I was like “YO! Hezi! You listening man? Isaiah just said your sons will be eunuchs! Eunuchs!  That’s not positive. You don’t wanna throw up some prayers and ask God to avert this disaster?” …no? You trippin. 

But upon more reflection and looking at the last year – I realized that it was a mature way to look at the inevitable bad news that WILL confront us at some time during our time here on earth. If we settle in to the fact that EVERYTHING that confronts us – good and bad – was sent by God, then it allows us to, instead of fighting against the (seemingly) negative situations that arise, to accept them, and search diligently for the good inside of them. In the words of Rahm Emanuel “You never let a serious crisis go to waste. And what I mean by that it’s an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before.”

Quick story then I’ll let you go. 

The joke concerns twin boys of five or six. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities — one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist — their parents took them to a psychiatrist. 

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist.  Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys.  But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears.  “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”  “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.” 

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist.  Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure.  But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist.  Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.  “What do you think you’re doing?” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. “With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!” 

I think in the business of living we each have a choice. That choice mainly concerns how we’re going to look at the situations that come our way. Its a choice to choose hope. To choose joy. To choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when the path ahead doesn’t look much better than any place behind us. 

Fly or Fall. 

ofo

Ahh man. I’ve been procrastinating on this. Why? I knew this month’s report would not be pretty.

But theres a reason! There’s been a major legal issue that’s been consuming a lot of my energy/time/money. It started to take up a lot of mental real estate as well. However, near the end of the month – I got the opportunity to sit down with my mastermind group – which just happens to be my family at the moment. I asked them “from the outside, looking in” what things did they see that I could improve. The number one suggestion I got was that I couldn’t let my life stop. I had to keep pushing. Keep moving forward with all my goals.

So I decided to do that. I let the lawyer do the worrying and I just have to keep pushing. Trying to be the best I can be. Sooo, lets get to these goals:

Debt Reduction Goal: This month I only gave an extra $560 toward my school loans. *shrugs*

Creating Music: Created ..half a beat..”nothing to see here folks” – moving on.

Being Brave/Doing something New: 

So my car sustained some damage when one my cousins decided to challenge a stubborn support column with my cars front end. (Nobody’s confessed to it yet) *looks at cousins side-eyed* But it was great, because I got the opportunity to buy the parts myself and throw a new front end on the whip. Finding I’m really enjoying fixing things with my hands. Also took my dad and brother to a Nigeria/Mexico Soccer game. It was great just chilling with them.

Yea I know you can’t see our faces. lol.

Socially: March was a great month. Got to hang with old/new friends as my Alma Mater made it into the sweet sixteen and beat Duke! Made time to spend with friends..In the past I definitely prioritized friendships last. Definitely learning that friendships and relationships have a real value that, although you can’t necessarily put it on a ledger – proves worth the investment.

Spiritually/Self-Improvement: I finished two books for self improvement: 1. The Four Enemies of the Heart & The Principle of the Path – by Andy Stanley. I bought 2 more for the coming month. Been consistent with sending out the bible verses to friends and more often than not – I discover things about myself and how I relate to God, and it explains some of my behavior in the past, as well as helps to protect me from making the same mistakes over again.

Life lessons learned in March: 1. Focusing heavily on the issues that I struggle with (self-confidence, people-pleasing) and leaning on God for strength leads to real gains/benefits. Having conversations with people who know me and are willing to call me on my BS is invaluable. There is one person in my life who CONSISTENTLY calls me on my BS and as a result – I learn something about myself on every interaction with this person. I grow infinitely faster with her than with anyone else in my adult life. I deeply appreciate it.

All in all, even with the speed bump that lasted most of the month ..it was a good month. I’m blessed to be alive. To be healthy. To be able to enjoy life.

Thanks God. Fly or Fall.

OFO

So..I’ve been away. Doing what you might ask?

Well, to be honest, I was busy falling in love. And not metaphorically, I fell into the rhythms of life with an amazing young lady that I’ve known for a little while. She is smart, wise, compassionate, and called me on my bull$hi*. I tripped into love with her and when I looked up it was March. Guess that’s the way these things go. *sigh*

However, we are not together at the moment. *record screeches to a stop* I know, I know. That was quick. It wasn’t her fault. It was simply a matter of logistics. (And maybe my overly analytical mind) Short answer: She was a little further along in life and ready for more than I was (i.e. marriage); I, on the other hand, feel the need to tackle some life goals and accomplish some things. These things were and are (I think) integral to my development as a man and thus would affect my ability to lead a woman in a relationship.

Some of these goals are listed on the blog, some are not. They were spiritual goals, financial goals, and life-design goals. Time is short, and there’s a small but growing panic that if I don’t tackle these goals now, I’ll never achieve them. Anyway these niggling thoughts and goals kept bumping up against the time I invested in the relationship and soon their muted cries grew to a mutinous chorus. I tried to explain all this to my amour but I wonder if all she heard is “I don’t want this”. Anyway, after much prayer and ignoring the answers, we decided to end it before we got too deep.

Which brings me to my update for those weeks. *embarrassed chuckle*

Debt Reduction goal: I was able to put an extra $1000 towards my school debt during this time period. Bringing the total spent on student loans for this time period to $2070. Which looking back – is $100 more than I spent extra last month. However, its also $120 less than the actual goal = 1120 extra per month. A loan that wasn’t active last month came back on-line which is why although the total raised significantly, the amount extra isn’t significantly more.

Creating Music: The last beat I made was on February 5th..basically a month ago. Ouch. This is probably the category that took the biggest beating from my love.

Being Brave: Actually, the relationship was amazing for this category. I faced many fears while I was in this relationship; the biggest of which was probably allowing myself to trust someone again. Fully. Also the decision to leave the relationship wasn’t easy – especially considering my propensity for people-pleasing and wanting to make her happy.

Travel: I went on an amazing trip in the North GA mountains with a group of friends. It was awesome. I’m also planning on Vegas in July, ?? in March, and possibly the dominican republic in August. I also hope to Volunteer for a mission trip in the fall. We’ll see how it goes.

P.s. Looking back ..maybe the relationship was more help than harm? We’ll have to see I guess. Here’s to continued growth!

FOF.

OFO.

Oh yea, a couple of goals to add to the resolution list:

1. Take & Pass the BCPS exam this year

-So in my field there is an exam that you can take after you have been in practice for a awhile. Its called the BCPS exam. The study materials are dense, thick, and not created for ease-of-use. The makers of this test think its kind of a big deal. People regularly fail it. It ain’t easy. So If I can get this sucker out of the way this year..I’d be happy.

-OFO

Well..hello there sexy.

Fancy seeing you here..almost 19 days into the new year. Getting a late start on your year as well? I understand..nope, no judgement here, strictly a judgement free zone.

Anyway.

I’ve had a hard time getting my mojo going and marshaling my willpower to get the goal/resolution train going. Finally got a jolt of inspiration and focus after church this morning and realized better late than never. So here I am, getting ready to get to listing resolutions, decisions, and other life-changing thoughts. Like a boss. Or at least a mid-level executive. Because to be fair..I haven’t [really]  posted since June 23, 2013..almost 7 months ago. Wanna fight about it?

Since then, a lot has changed.

1. Graduated residency [Yay.]

2. Got a dream job in Atlanta [Double Yay]

3. Moved back in with the parents [No yay] ..although the house is in my name [0.5 yay’s]

4. Decided to do something called daily’s: Daily Works of art on off days, as well as focusing on setting up the groundwork in order to start my grown up company.

So I’ve decided to use this blog..which lately has fallen into dis-use – as a kind of live journal to keep track of my progress. Which will be updated at least monthly.

So Now for your viewing pleasure..I’m getting ready to unveil my 2014 Resolutions/Goals! Brace Yourself.

1. Pay off a 22k Student Loan

In order to accomplish this goal I’ve done the pretty simple math: This breaks down into making twice monthly payments of $560 to the good people at Holders of My Student Loan who have me in Indentured Servitude. So I’ll be free of these dastardly people’s hold on me by the end of 2014! [Triple Yay!]

2. Continue the practice of Creating/Learning Daily.

http://paulcbrunson.com/2014/01/believe-spite-evidence/

This practice is basically my way to water my dreams. After about 29 years of life ..I’ve realized all the easy wins are behind me. From this point on, there are only victories that are snatched from the jaws of laziness. Victories that I’ve had to scheme and hustle for. Issues subdued only after wrestling into the morning with them, and growth that comes as a result of consistent deposits of time.

I’ll monitor the monthly self-investment deposits I make and keep track of it on this blog.

So hours spent studying/researching for my business, Actual creative pieces made, and hours spent studying foreign languages will be tallied.

I hope to increase this number week by week and come up with ways to become more productive throughout 2014.

3. Travel: Internationally (and Domestically)

I haven’t really traveled anywhere by myself ..all the way by myself..and I think this year is the year to do it.

I’ll likely start small and just aim for the Dominican republic this summer. Which actually means I need to start planning soon..

Timeline: Jan 31 – Decide on Dates; Feb 15 – Put in PTO; Feb 30 – Have Bought Tickets ; March 15 – Research things to do ; Date arrives = Enjoy!

I also want to go see my sister in California and spend a good period of time out there connecting with friends.

4. Grow My relationship with God & People

Be more honest with my imperfections and relationship. Let people in.

Be not Afraid. Be Brave.

Monthly I’ll try to do one thing that scares the living day lights out of me..which because I actually have a lot of irrational paranoia’s and unsubstantiated fears may span from initiating awkward social situations to attending martial arts classes.

So there you have it.  My plan to conquer the world..or just myself.

Here’s to our success in 2014. May we be better daily.

Fly or fall.

OFO

Had a little downtime today at work. And, in between the vancomycin, and amiodarone drips, I discovered this song. In between vancomycin, and amiodarone drips, this song discovered me.

I have to take a minute and explain why this song, like *valley girl voice* almost changed my life. *gangsta returns*

Lets start with the video.

Filmed in a nostalgic, wistful voice, it brings to mind a visual that feels like “where the wild things are”  + an old spike lee joint. The main characters are as eloquent as characters in the silent movies. You can’t help but fall in love with the fledgling cupid who tries her best to connect two star-crossed lovers. [Confession: I don’t really understand the term ‘star-crossed lovers’ but it seems like it fits.

Cupid first tells the “gentleman” to try to disguise himself – to put on a different face, to pretend to have it all together. He tries all the different faces, to no avail. The hero then moves on to the epic romantic gesture, borrowed from Say Anything, a 1989 love story starring John Cusack. While cupid is regrouping, the gentleman finally decides to meet the Heroine with the thing she loves to do. Dancing. They end up dancing the night away. And the fledging cupid graduates and gets her arrows.

Dope.

And if the video wasn’t enough, the lyrics are even better. My favorite lines:

“She said lion’s are made for cages
Just to look at in delight
You dare not let ’em walk around
’cause they might just bite”

Which, to me, speaks of not only love but all society. Part of manhood, I think, in these modern times, is coming to terms with the parts of you that are dangerous. The parts that are competitive, that fight, that are aggressive, many of these parts that society tries to cage. But I think, its important that, instead of repressing these parts, we accept them, we control them, but we don’t abandon them.

This concept is even more applicable when applied to blackness. There are parts of being a black man, that the majority would love you to repress, to sanitize, to deny. But I think these things are part of your uniqueness, and to deny them would be detrimental not just to you, but to society in general. Studies have shown, over and over, that diversity is important in the marketplace, as different experiences help us to see the world differently, and thus to come up with solutions that may tackle solutions differently.

Side note: Love the fact that the lady, was so enamored with her life (Dancing) that it wasn’t until she was approached in the right way that she allowed the gentleman into her life.

Fly or Fall. Be Good.

OFO

P.s. If you were wondering what the artist said about the song meaning:
“It’s about unrequited love, the desire for the individual to come out of this box that the woman is putting this man in. He wants to be free; free to love, free to be himself, but he can’t. She admires him to a certain extent. She admires him in a cage. We love lions in a cage and we want to pet the lion if his extremities are shackled. But do we want to pet him when he’s outside his cage? I use that metaphor to speak of a man who really wants to love and who is not allowed to because he’s kept in a box. Men like that song and in an interesting way, it’s like a grown man’s lullaby. You’re still a man, you’re still a lion, but you’re able to express your vulnerability.” – Gregory Porter

Stop what your doing..and listen. Turn the lights down in your mind first.

Thank me later.

OFO