Purpose. Less.

I’m on a mission to find out what I was put on earth for. I’m in the middle of a pharmacy residency. I’m enjoying how much it challenges me and how much I’m learning. However, I cant shake the feeling that this particular track doesn’t speak to my strengths. Not utilizing these other skills/talents is frustrating me. I feel like a car with the gas pedal pushed to the floor, but stuck in neutral.

Frustrating. Especially since so much depends on using my faith. Trusting God to create a work of art with my life. On my Simba. Wondering how long until I become king.

Or should I just say ..Devils in fur coats?

During this year away from (seemingly) common sense i’ve made some sacrifices..hoping that they would  end up being for the greater good. Oh you don’t believe me? You want a list.

Sure! I’ll give you an abbreviated list.

1. So I decided during this year away to stay with a family in order save money. Great you say? I agree I’m saving a good bit of money so it’s definitely a blessing. However, this family had one stipulation, which seemed like not such a big deal at first but has grown to epic proportions as the year goes on. NO GIRLS over. Now hold on, before you give me the ultimate side eye, I’m not saying I want to invite girls so I can spray them with whipped cream from my super soaker and do things that only belong in a three ring circus…[epic silence] ..no really I’m not, but I wouldn’t mind bringing friends, co-residents, etc over to just chill or kick it. *sigh*

Oh well. I guess you get what you pay for.

2. This mu**fu%$in cat.

I dont like cats as a general rule. Its like “A before E except after C”. This applies to most situations. Now, I’ll admit, during college I had a girlfriend who had a cat whose was bat$hit crazy. That cat used to run in circles around the room as fast as it could and only stop in order to bite my toes. *shakes head* If I worked at a pharmacy at the time…that cat may have had a lunch that led to a catnap that he never woke up from.

*clears throat and brightens* But still I was willing to chalk that up to the fact that some people have mental illnesses, maybe some cats have the same. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong. This new cat isn’t kinetic crazy..but it is rude. Messy rude. Loud and rude. Ignant. If I had to guess, I’d guess this cat never had no home training. As a result, this cat and I be beefing like the cast of Love and Hip Hop.

An examples of our struggle:

1. I’m walking in to the bathroom. The cat is walking down the hall mewling all loud and raucously like DMX at the library. I roll my eyes at him and close the door to the bathroom to handle my  morning business. I’m just about finished when this troublemaker bust in the door [which may or may not have been securely closed] and strolls in like “I don’t do privacy lil ni**a.” He then proceeds to the toilet like I was taking too long and holding him up from getting to an important meeting. Just disrespectful.

*sigh* This cat is a problem. Its getting late ..or I would regale you with story after story of our growing beef. But please believe that I’ll keep you updated …

Fly or Fall. On a cat.

OFO

 

 

 

If you can’t tell ..been vibing to R.Fresh @ this nanosecond

 

“Had a drink and remembered I’m perfect, wish I could remember this when I’m sober.”

Texted that to a friend..got no response. lol. Its a pretty difficult text to respond to..and awkward. lol. But I meant in the best way possible. Let me explain.

So me and my sister have been on this self-improvement kick and really trying to focus on ways to make ourselves into the people we were created to be. Created I say – because we believe that there is a higher power who had a specific purpose(s) for us to complete, and certain tasks that we were created to be better for. One of the realizations that we came to was that oftentimes the worst critic we face is the one inside of us.

We both struggle with smothering that inner critic and realizing that although we may not believe in ourselves – there is something bigger than us that has given us everything that we need to accomplish what we have to. Its comforting and helps us to move forward with boldness. 

I don’t know if I told you but I’ve been accepted into a residency. *waits for all the confetti to flutter to the floor*

Yea thanks. Anyway, because of this I’ve been in the process of transitioning from one setting (retail) to a more clinical environment.

At any job I like to …nevermind. To summarize: My last situation got a little sticky and I’m struggling to come to terms with some things I may not have taken care of to the best of my ability. Small issues really, and the blame isn’t all mine..but I choose to take it because its what I signed up for. Bottom line is – the situation at work was really starting to wear on my emotionally, until I saw a quote on a friends FB page.

Oh, yea, Sure I’ll share the quote:

“I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more, if they had known they were slaves.” – Harriet Tubman
We can live in our current situation for so long that it becomes normal, and freedom is so far in the distant past that we forget what it even tastes like. Know that you were created to be free and not a slave to any addiction, depression, abuse, or even your past.

“For a person is a slave to whatever has mastered him/her.” (2 Peter 2:19) —– “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)

Choose FREEDOM.

While I’m don’t currently struggle with having metal shackles tied to my ankles, I do struggle with choosing freedom mentally. There are situations in my life that I’ve fooled myself or chosen to believe that I have no choice in. The truth is I’m only as enslaved as I choose to be. I’ve decided to let certain things enslave me..Which is crazy, especially after experiencing the freedom of God’s spirit.  Pure ridiculousness.  I blame the fact that sometimes bondage can dress up in confusing outfits: safety, comfort, love.

I literally felt the cuffs unlock once I re-realized that I was free and only a slave to things that I choose to be slave to. My whole day just did a 180 degree turn and I switched position from prisoner to captain of my soul (or at least a Ship who gives the rudder to a Good Captain).

I was lucky in that while it was still early in my enslavement I was able to recall the “taste” of freedom. Sometimes the emotional sensation of freedom is all the fuel you need to rearrange your world into its best conformation.

All that to say: If you change the way you look at things..the things you look at will change.

Fly or Fall.

OFO

So last Sunday, I had the opportunity to give a sermon at my mentor’s church.

The whole experience was interesting. At first I was nervous, then I was focused, and when I finished the speech of course I felt a mixture of pride and nostalgia.

“Nostalgia?” you say. Well, not necessarily nostalgia, but something along those lines.  I started to miss certain aspects that were involved in getting ready to deliver the speech.

And as I ruminated on why I felt this odd mixture of nostalgia,I realized that the speech was something that allowed me to push myself, something that allowed me to explore a new talent, something that demanded that I leave my comfort zone.

I’m comfortable in my comfort zone. I hate my comfort zone.

Outside of the “C-Zone”

1. Being totally focused. Because I knew that my name/reputation was on the line with this very public performance I knew that I had to give it top priority. So after work, I’d attack the speech, seeking ways to improve it or just spend time practicing it. I had about a week and a half to prepare so the deadline wasn’t soo far in the future that I couldn’t feel the slight panic that comes with high pressure situations – which I love.

2. Having a clear concrete goal. The goal was clear = deliver a compelling message within 25-35 minutes. Don’t bore people.

3. Being deeply interested by the subject matter. Being emotionally involved in what I was asked to speak about was essential, as it laid the groundwork for me to be able to speak intelligently on what I was asked to address.

These elements – seem like a recipe for a success that would be appealing to me. I think if I could just get myself to set some better goals – goals that tied in these elements I would be able to get Ooodles more done. (yea oodles.)

New Goal: Schedule

Fly or Fall

oh yea the sermon: “Granny Smith Apples”

Today I walked into a starbucks and sat down to get some work done. Directly across from me were two older white women. I took one look at their bleached roots and expensive handbags and threw them into a box of my own making. It was a small box, but one that obviously I was comfortable throwing people into.

Now ..before I finish this quick story..let me tell you a little bit about me and boxes.

I hate them. I hate stereotypes. I hate when people lump me into a group based on anything that isn’t the most pure representation of my character. Which of course is impossible. And because I’m hyper-sensitive about these stereotypes I’m constantly trying to figure out what boxes people are heaping me into and trying to expand and tear open their boxes like Godzilla inside a strip mall.

Which makes this stereotyping that I was doing all the more ironic.

So back to these white women, with their bags and their sensible shoes. I had totally thrown them into a box. And not a big box. Or a particularly pretty one. In fact it was a small box, and as usually these boxes have less to do with the people inside them than with their creators; I cant say I took the time to really inspect the box that I had created for them. Until..

I started to overhear parts of their conversation.

The many men names I heard dropped temporarily shrunk the box into a smaller, even more unappealing one. Then as I overheard more (alot of overhearing huh?) I came to realize that the men names weren’t the names of their last flings or drunken fantasy. No these were the names of children. Sons.

It was at this realization that I realized that I had put them into a box. And started to dislike them because lets face it, their box was ugly. So I quickly tried to bedazzle the box I had put them in, so that I would feel better about myself. And as I listened closer, I overheard words like “tests”, “spectrum”, and phrases like “he’s learning to identify emotions in others and learn how to be empathetic”..

Wow. So not only had I put two innocent, hard-working, mothers into the wrong box. I’d managed to stuff them in a box while they were sharing ways to successfully raise children on the autistic spectrum.

Needless to say, I felt like a million bucks. *__*

Anyway..I realized that for all my reading and insights into becoming more/better human being..I still had some huge steps to take when it comes to learning to really love others.

Fly or Fall.

OFO

…I mean why is blond such a popular hair color anyway.