Had to post something Hard, to balance the EXTRA-soft $hi* I just posted. lol.

So lately a theme in my life these days – is the desire to feel deeply. Mostly these days I feel cooler than a polar bears toenail – Oh hell. #Bigboi
Anyway – Yea. I spent my whole youth – kinda making myself immune to the pain that being young, skinny, and girlfriend-less brought. Unfortunately as previously noted – sometimes I think I did too good a job. So these days I find myself seeking things that will allow me to feel. I was telling a friend of mine that it’s been a long time since I’ve met a woman who’d make me feel like if she left me she’d just devastate my life…I’m talking – if she left me i’d be walking around in sweats for weeks/ slow jams on 24h rotation/ Making me recite Teddy Riley lyrics while buying groceries/ Crying while driving on dark rainy nights…. LMAO..maybe that’s a lil extreme. [For the Man-record: I’ve never done any of the preceding] *hides the Brokenhearted mix-tape*
Nah. Really – I’m not saying I want to BE devastated – but to meet a woman who so enthralls me that she has that power would be pretty cool. Then again – I’m pretty sure I’m glad I [haven’t met her/allowed her in close enough] yet because I’m sure that would require some changes to my life and I’m not sure that I’m quite ready just yet. But that’s what I’m looking for when I do finally meet my wife-to-be.

Imagine 24 hours straight of New Edition & Babyface. smh. I’m definitely not ready.

-Heard this last year when I was rolling round Atl. Takes me back to when Goodie Mob, Field Mob, and PT’ezie was running the airwaves.

Shame/Embarrassment/Regret….
Just stumbled upon the wonderful realization that these are absolutely useless emotions.
I tend to be extremely hard upon myself = can be beneficial
But when I inevitably disappoint myself these feelings can morph into shame/regret/embarrassment = not a good look
This combo, like Tekken, can leave me feeling down and out. When I get into one of these ruts, I can spend hours going all Goku-super-saiyan on my self-confidence. Leaving myself emotionally bloody and bruised and unable to muster up the self-discipline and focus that I need to accomplish anything; All in all its a very easy entrance into a particularly nasty vicious cycle.

But there’s hope! *In TBN Preacher Voice*
Recently I had a conversation that helped me to stop looking at my past failures, mis-steps, and even
horribly FUBAR situations & experiences as indictments of my personhood.
Instead I was given a new word to describe my past: Colorful. #Noliberace

Am I the only person who smiles deep inside when I hear that word?

For some reason it turns my douche-baggery into fascinating backstory in the Okechukwu Chronicles.

Magically my past-irresponsibility is transformed into character-development tales.

Man..Gotta love Adjectives.

Man. Today I spent alot of time with a friend of mine who is is so like minded on certain subjects we could have been siamese twins that were recently re-united. I really enjoyed the conversation and trading of inspiration. It helps that from time to time I get to recharge with people who are really on their ish.

Especially since lately I seem to be in one of those non-rational funks that come around every so often. I always look forward to refreshing conversations and situations where I don’t have to fit into anyone’s molds/expectations of me. *Exhales and raises glass* Here’s to better tomorrow’s.

The reason I want to travel. The reason I want a rich girlfriend.

I’ll readily admit I’m a slow learner. To balance this, usually when I learn a lesson I learn it well. Usually this works out for me. Sometimes it backfires like old chevy’s.
I just realized that I haven’t really loved anyone since my very first love. And by love – I really mean, surrendered my heart totally. I’m probably not the only person whose learned that lesson a little too well. But ever since that first dust-up with love I’ve learned to only fall in like with girls whom I know couldn’t really do the damage to me that I experienced on my first flirtation with true love. [Usually by picking a girl cute enough to bring out in public but with some minor flaw that I put the 3rd grade-genius double bifocal magnifying glass on] This has manifested in a lot of at arms-length relationships, nonsensical fault-finding, and making sure that I dumped the girl before she could dump me. “Silly, Stupid, Fool!!” you say? I know. Now at least.
But up til now I didn’t realize that it was on purpose – I really just thought all my relationships weren’t meant to be. The truth is any of the girls that I really liked I could have built a solid relationship out of – but inside I just couldn’t bring myself to. Sometimes being safe = Being sorry.
I’m a self-saboteur of the highest caliber. A home-grown terrorist of the heart. Smh.
Anyway – now that I have denial out the way – I should be able to make a relationship last, right? ….. Right? Lol. Pray for me.

This might just be dope to anime head’s like myself. Naahhhh..Its just dope.Period.

Dope.
Watch. Discuss. Repeat.

p.s. Peep the ref’s to Malcolm Gladwell, Seth Godin.